A few months ago, arriving at a client's office to begin a group meeting, I discovered that two women, who had committed to joining us, had changed their minds. I knew they were apprehensive, not sure what to expect from someone doing Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP). I decided to talk with them and see if I could put them at ease. As I walked toward them, I noticed that they were both standing with their shoulders slumped forward, and they were leaning toward each other. As I approached, I slumped my shoulders, leaned forward slightly, and smiled. In less than two minutes, they agreed to join us. Did I use some sort of magic? You bet I did. Was it hypnosis? No. Would you like to know that magic?

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a science that studies the language of the mind, breaks down, step-by-step, how humans connect with others or disconnect as the case may be. Most people believe that we communicate primarily through language and words. In business, we often think that the words we say and write are the most important way of making connections. However, many business people are aware of body language and its importance in reading a client or customer. Some may be aware of studies that show that language is the least effective way to communicate and connect with others.

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE?

Here is the breakdown: 7% through words, 38% through tonality, 55% through physiology. It's clear that if we focus our communication only on words and language, we are missing out on 93% of our resources for communication. NLP teaches that anyone can establish rapport instantaneously with another person. Rapport in NLP is defined differently from what most of us think of when we think of rapport. Rapport as NLP views it is not developing a relationship, although it may lead to relationship. Rather, NLP defines rapport as an instant connection with another person.

Have you ever met someone, and you instantly felt as if you knew him? Or you were very comfortable with him although you had just met? I feel as if I've known you for a long time. This statement suggests rapport!

This kind of rapport happens all the time. We practice rapport unconsciously with our friends, family, and people we meet. NLP helps us to do consciously and with volition what we do naturally but often unconsciously with the people we know and meet.

Establishing rapport is more complex and detailed than I can explore in a short article. I could easily spend a weekend seminar teaching rapport. But I can sketch out some basic strategies that, if put into practice, can dramatically change your interaction with others and help you make connections easily. It's like magic or instant rapport.

PHYSIOLOGY

Since physiology is the primary way we communicate (55%), everyone should have at least a basic understanding of how we establish rapport on a physical level. Posture, breathing, eye movement, blinking are all possible ways of establishing rapport. There are two ways of creating a connection through physiology: matching and mirroring.

Matching is doing the same thing with your body as someone else is doing with her body. For example, if someone standing in front of you has her head tilt to the right, you would tilt your head to the right. If someone were observing you, she would see your heads tilted in opposite directions.

Mirroring creates a mirror image, if someone has her head tilted right, and you are standing in front of her, you tilt your head to the left.

Both matching and mirroring should be done subtly, not exaggerated. The idea is to connect, not to be offensive. Most people find it offensive if someone is mimicking them. Don't do what children do when imitating someone with the intention of annoying. When establishing rapport, the goal is to be natural, smooth, and inconspicuous. Observe people who like each other. People do these things naturally. When people are matching and mirroring each other, they are establishing rapport.

Go back and read the first paragraph of this article. My magic was simply noticing how the two women were standing and the position of their bodies and matching them. We see people matching and mirroring all the time. Go to a public place where people are interacting. How do we know that the couple, sitting across from us in a restaurant, are attracted to each other? They are both leaning toward each other, matching or mirroring what the other is doing. This sends a signal to the other person, "I'm with you. We are connecting."

Imagine you are talking with someone, he glances at his watch frequently, doesn't maintain eye contract, and he isn't matching or mirroring. He is sending a signal. It's not one of rapport. More than likely, you'll cut the conversation short and let him go about his business.

Some people are masters, consciously or unconsciously, of matching and mirroring other people's physiology. These people are often social, well liked, and popular. If they are using this skill to manipulate people, they are probably not very popular and are likely to be seen as a fake or phony. This is a powerful tool when used with integrity, but it can backfire if it is used in negative ways.

One other caution, you don't want to get into rapport with everyone. For example, you probably don't want to establish rapport with a serial killer, or a flasher, or . . . fill in the blank. So, you need to know how to break rapport. Breaking rapport is not mirroring or matching a person but doing what he is not doing, breaking the connection. Looking away, turning away, or if he leans forward, you lean back. Try breaking rapport with someone. If you like the person, breaking rapport feels uncomfortable. Of course, you can reconnect very quickly. You might even explain your experiment.

THE DETAILS

1. Mirroring creates a deeper connection than matching. Matching, however, is more subtle and easier to do. It's less obvious. If you wish to establish a deeper connection, you might consider matching first and then moving toward mirroring.

2. Areas to match and mirror: breathing, posture, blinking, hand movement. You can match and mirror more than one aspect of someone's physiology. But when you first try this, choose one area and practice one area at a time. If you get caught, just admit what you are doing and laugh it off.

3. Think specifics. If you match someone's breathing, ask yourself: where are they breathing? High in the chest? In the middle? Low? Is their breathing deep, shallow, fast, slow? If you want to practice, try doing this with a baby or child who is upset or being hyper. Match her breathing, when you get into sync for a while begin to slow your breathing. If you are in rapport with the child, she will begin to match your breathing. Her breathing will slow, and she will begin to calm down. You have changed her physiology and mood by changing her breathing. Be careful with this one, you might find that parents will begin to call you to baby sit.

4. Hand movements are important to watch. If a person you are talking to doesn't use hand movements, note that and don't use hand movements. If someone does use hand movements, match your movements to hers. Some people use sweeping hand movements; others use very subtle hand movements; some people don't move their hands. Be aware of what the person you are talking to does with her hands.

5. Watch head angles, shoulders, how a person sits. I slouch. One of my best friends sits up very straight. When I'm with him, I notice that I tend to sit up straighter.

6. Blinking is one of the most subtle ways of getting into rapport with someone. Most people aren't aware of their blinking patterns. Be careful with this one. I've tried this with people who blink rapidly, and I find it tiring and distracting. I learned something about myself: I don't blink a lot.

These are a few suggestions. You'll discover more as you begin to notice other people's physiology.

Part two will explore using tonality and words to create rapport.