Last Friday, my husband and I took our two children fishing at the local trout farm. We collected our fishing poles, corn for bait and off we went to the "quick catch" pond.

No takers for sweet corn, so we switched to live worms. I declined to put the worm on the hook. A little too real for me! A discomfort was creeping in about my part in our expedition. I started to hope that the trout would be too smart to get caught today!

Naturally, I caught the first and second fish. I started to reel it in, felt the weight of the thing and balked. I shouted to my husband to come and take my pole and finish the job. I continued fishing with his pole, now bothered by our outing.

The third and last trout later, my husband said, "Are you not going to be able to eat fish now?" I did not answer.

Frankly, two days later, I don't know. I am confused and undecided. It is one thing when you just go to the seafood market, make your selections and happily go home and eat it. It is another thing when you see the live creature and you are the one responsible for hauling it out of the water, depriving it of oxygen and then turning it into dinner.

Fish are not sentient creatures, so they are not capable of feelings, but still... Call me silly, foolish, sensitive...whatever. Some part of me became uncomfortable that day.

When you operate on automatic, there is not much thinking behind your actions. Herded, programmed responses, indoctrinated behavior... just following the crowd.

Several years ago, my husband and I decided to have our first child. I really had not given much thought to the whole birthing experience. I mean, one way or another, I knew that it was going to have to come out!

Popping pills is a rare occurrence for me, so that really did not enter my mind. I just would have to handle any pain. I thought that cutting my stomach open, having a C-section, did not seem like a bad idea.

Many child-birth classes later, I had a new slant on things. I now had visible proof from the videos, that yes indeed, the baby really could come out naturally. So, barring medical emergency, I opted for natural childbirth.

Now, if it was a boy... the dilemma of circumcision. When I decide to live consciously, I do not go for the simple situations. No, I pick the big ones. Yes, my husband is Jewish.

Before the video, I would happily and unconsciously have turned over our baby son to the hospital staff to perform a circumcision. Not a second thought. I mean, really, what is there to think about? It is done all the time, right? In a simplistic way, it was kind of like buying the fish from the shop. No thought about what happens behind the scenes.

I watched the borrowed video with my fifteen year old cat, Goose. In my mind, even he was bothered by the thing! Seriously, it was very upsetting for me, to say the least.

I gave my husband to watch. He concurred, but was not immediately swayed. I knew that I was not going to get pregnant until we reached an agreement about this issue. The lights were now on. Somebody was home.

Conscious and deliberate living. I decide. Follow an internal guide, don't just blindly go with what society dictates.

I do not think that I would ever have made a good sheep! If I see a path that feels right intuitively, I am going to go for it. It would be nice if the world backed me up and was in alignment, but I am willing to swim upstream against the current if necessary.

My fish story ending is unknown at this point. Something that was on automatic though, is now off. I am looking at an issue with my eyes open, feeling what is there, feeling what I would like to create instead, so I can make a more conscious and deliberate choice.

Are your beliefs ones that you chose deliberately, or are they ones that have been indoctrinated into you, taken on without much thought? Where are you operating on automatic pilot?